Because It Leaves Pain For Others
Age 16, Montana, USA
In eighth grade, I had my first ever girlfriend. She was someone I could be open with. I was told I was going to hell because I liked girls. She broke up with me, then told everyone that I forced her to date me. It made it seem like I was abusive both emotionally and sexually.
I went to a small rural school, so it got to the point where a parent asked the counselor to please talk to me about being gay, that I shouldn’t be allowed in the locker rooms with them, I shouldn’t be allowed on the sports team, and what if I tried to DO something to her daughter?
The counselor actually did talk to me and then proceeded to ask me, “Are you really having feelings of love? Or are you confusing feelings of strong friendship?” Someone wrote “Go kill yourself” across a sticker on my desk. I peeled it off.
I’ll never forget when the girls on the volleyball team said, “Oh look, she looks so sad sitting there,” and “Heh, yeah, maybe she should go kill herself.”
I had been cutting since I was twelve. But this year was so much harder. I cut my leg so badly that some days it was hard to walk.
Then I went to high school, and things really did get better.
I was happier. I made new friends. I got into clubs and band and it all really felt good. I didnt cut for months. I even had another girlfriend for a bit.
Then, at the beginning of sophomore year, after I started dating my current boyfriend, one of the girls who bullied me in middle school began telling people, including my friends, that I bullied her, called her fat, and made fun of her constantly. She told people that I was the reason she starved herself and had anxiety. But the reason why she blamed me was because I started dating a guy she liked.
People started treating me differently. Some of her friends even tried to confront me. And then my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of her sending him texts saying that I f*$ed her up and that I’m the reason she’s broken. I was so mad. I was having the hardest time at home and I was trying to manage three kidney stones at the same time.
All of it made me drop out and try to get my GED. I then became the “drop out druggy” to her. Once I was gone, she wasted no time spreading as many lies as she could about me.
I started cutting heavily again.
My parents had roommates that lived in our basement. They did nothing but drugs all day. If they weren’t high on weed they were gettng high on meth. My mom spent most of her time with them. She and my dad fought constantly. Those people drained us of money and stole things from us, too, even from me. A present from a close friend of mine was suddenly his dog’s old toy and it was tacked to his wall. My mom wouldn’t let me say anything. I wasn’t allowed to defend myself against their thievery.
At some point, they decided that they had the right to discipline me. They also said I was lazy and rude. One night, the two roommates and my parents decided I had lied about something, and they all took turns telling me I was lazy, useless, rude, and that I “do nothing but make all their lives harder.” We were trying to move, so they told me in order for me to learn the value of real work, I was going to wake up at 6 am and pack the entire day by myself.
I was done. I was fed up with everyone telling me I was worthless. I was fed up with people lying and getting away with it, and I was fed up with the lack of control I had over my life and how others saw me.
I waited until they were all downstairs and I grabbed my sisters anti psychotic/sedative and went upstairs to write out my notes. I wrote one to my boyfriend, one to both of my best friends, and one to both Mom and Dad, and one to the roommates.
While I wrote the last letter, I began taking the pills. It was a brand new bottle and I took every single one. I can never get the feeling of the pills going down my throat out of my head. I will never forget how they sat in my empty stomach. I will never forget how my heart pounded and my stomach twisted and how every alarm bell in my brain told me “YOU MADE A MISTAKE” while I crawled in the shower and waited for death.
I started to get dizzy and breathing got harder and harder, I began freaking out. I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to never kiss my boyfriend again, I didn’t want to never laugh and obesses with my best friend at the stupid shows we watch, I didn’t want to never take screenshots of silly people and send them to my friends and laugh at the stupidity of the world around us. So I got my mother. I held myself up, used the wall to get to her and said, “Mom, I think I screwed up.”
At first, when I told her how much I took, she told me I was being dramatic and told Dad I was, too. I guess I wasn’t making much sense at that point. I had to show her the empty bottle for her to understand what I had done. She started wailing and crying and trying to make me puke, but at that point the pills had already dissolved in my stomach. We waited for the ambulance while I drifted in and out of consciousness. Breathing was hard. Moving was hard. My heart was working overtime.
I was in the hospital for three days. I slept most of the time while they flushed my system out. I had picked one of the pills that you can’t do anything about, just flush out the system and pray that I’d be okay. I should’ve been in there a week at the least, but I did want to live, and I so fought like the stubborn ass I am and I made it.”
What did you learn?
“Life getting hard again, and I’ve had those depressing and suicidal thoughts of depression. But I MUST remember the immense regret I had trying to leave the people who I knew for sure cared. Talking to my friends and boyfriend afterward, I realized how much I affected them with my actions. If I had died, I wouldn’t have had to deal with the pain anymore, but they would have to. And it’s not fair for me to push my pain onto others, simply because I was hurting.
I read those notes after and there wasn’t enough in them that could ever get across my love and appreciation. They were empty and worthless and I couldn’t believe I even thought those were good enough for them. I’M THANKFUL EVERY DAY I’M ALIVE. And things still get hard, things still get bleak, and you’re damn right I still feel like cutting open my legs when things get tough. But I know I have people who need me, and I can’t let them down. So I gotta keep trucking on.”
I Hope You Forgive Me
Dear “Because It Leaves Pain For Others,”PLEASE KEEP BREATHING! PLEASE KEEP LIVING! PLEASE KEEP LOVING! There are NO WORDS that can fully express how deeply sorry we are to hear that you’ve suffered so much and that life has been so tough—boy is that a weak word! (Okay, we have a lot to say and we hope you’ll read every word. 🙂
There is nothing we can say that can take the past away, Nothing to make all these horrible wrongs right. But please know we care and we hope that your strength to survive, your regrets at attempting suicide will give others the strength to turn away from that painful choice. Once again, we plea with anyone who is reading this that you don’t! You matter!!!!!
There are no easy answers. We wish there were. But it’s CRITICAL for a person to get help from an organization/person who’s truly kind, caring, understanding. Don’t ever give up. If one doesn’t work, try another.
In the meantime, here are some things we would love for you to think about:
“Because It Leaves Pain For Others:” It’s sooooooo clear you have a lot of love to give to other people. That you’ve had a lot of struggles because of WHAT PEOPLE HAVE SAID ABOUT YOU AND TO YOU! Why do people do these things? Here are some reasons: They’re fearful, insecure, petty, thoughtless, ignorant!!!!! And we’ll even dare say that in a few of their heads, they may have thought they were “well-intentioned.” ARG!!! Doesn’t matter one bit what their “intentions” were. They were hateful, cruel, rude, and mean!!!! (Please repeat that: They were hateful, cruel, rude, and mean.”) They may be very unhappy with things in their own life, so they turn around and say hurtful things to you so that they feel better about themselves. Rotten, but sadly, people do cut others down to boost themselves up. It makes them feel powerful to do so and they’re drinking their Kool-Aid. People will be mean to others because they think it’ll make them popular to target someone else. Who wants friends like that?? Seriously??? ROT IS ROT! How awful do they have to feel about themselves to be mean to others? Sadly, sometimes they do it because it takes their pain away temporarily. But in the end, they just feel worse about themselves. The truth: Our world needs more kindness and compassion. Our hearts ache for them, too. Because they’re suffering. Suffering so much, they lash out. 🙁 Well, we can be sympathetic and compassionate, but in no way does it make their actions okay!!!
You’re human and not perfect. You’ve hurt others too. But the root of a lot of this, and we’re basing it on what you’ve written, stems from how others have treated you. THEY DON’T DESERVE YOUR PERSONAL POWER! DON’T GIVE IT TO THEM! What they did? It’s a reflection on them, not you.
You have choices.
a) Do they get to win and stay in your head? Do they get the right to continue to live there and occupy your mental space? Do they get to be a part of that voice that tells you the things that hurt you over and over again?
b) We hope you chose to BOOT THEIR BUTTS out!!!! Seriously, get them out of your head!!! When did their words become YOURS?
c) Take the people who truly love you and hold onto that love to give you strength, BUT, fuel your own strength by taking control of your life.
d) Take control over your life. What does that mean? It means that for many, we feel that others have the right to make choices for us—leave school, live here, do this, do that. Some things, can’t be helped. But YOU GET TO CHOSE SOME REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS? Want your GED? What’s stopping you? Go get it, girl!!!! You can do it!!! You’re interested in becoming a chef? Can’t afford chef school? Are there any mentors out there anyone who might let you watch, learn? THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE! 🙂
You know what it’s like to stand up for yourself. Please keep doing that. Set small goals and accomplish them! (That could even be as small as cleaning out your underwear drawer!) Everyone has dreams. Sometimes we dream SO big that we don’t see them as realistic. Okay. Don’t start with those. Start with something smaller—like getting your GED or getting an apartment of your own. DON’T GIVE UP. What steps do you need to take to support yourself to make these things happen? Write them down. That becomes your action plan!
TAKE ACTION! Action is the only way to accomplish anything. Words are nice, but they don’t get the job done. Don’t let cruel, hateful, mean, rude words keep you for taking those steps!!!! Persevere. Not every day is going to be that perfect day to getting things done, but don’t give up! DON’T. GIVE. UP!
Thank you for being brave and sharing your story! Please know we’re sending prayers your way!!!! We’d love to hear that you got your GED and are working toward more goals that put you in control of your life! CHEERING YOU ON!!!!