Be Your Own Savior

 In Featured Stories

Age 14, Mesquite, Texas, USA

Dear…Everyone, Including Myself,

Nothing is better left unsaid. I am sorry because this is long overdue. I wish the words could pour from my fingertips in a beautiful way. I wish I could tell my story like that of an intellectual, while remaining pragmatic. I’m sorry because these words have never been spoken to anyone except an ex who is long gone.
There is no really beautiful way to say it. I am not Rupi Kaur; I cannot fathom my pain into wholesome poetry. All I can really say are the three words I managed to stutter out once before. He. Touched. Me.
It started when I was younger. We were wrestling, just as I had done with my real father. He became more of my father in my eyes then, but of course that didn’t last long, it never did. A hand slipped up my shirt. I didn’t usually wear bras at night, it was my home, I was meant to be comfortable. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t move. I didn’t understand.
A year later we didn’t wrestle as much. I was growing up and simply didn’t care for it. Occasionally my little brother would come in and start tickling me and he would join. Hands everywhere.
In my head, I began to understand what was happening. I told my mother but she screamed at me. Told me I was over analyzing, that everything was a game. I had text proof. He would text me at random times and say “make your choice” or “you like it don’t you.”
My mother said he was just messing around. She didn’t believe me. I didn’t speak another word of it. Not a word when he pulled my pants down. Not a word when he slipped a hand under my bikini in the pool. Not a word when he shoved himself in my mouth and took every sense of dignity I had away.
I wish I could say I had spoken up. No. I didn’t, and now it is too late. So these are my words. For myself, and for everyone who may be reading. I never said anything because I was afraid the consequences would be worse than the pain.
Please do not have fear in a savior, and please never fear to be the savior yourself.
What did you learn?
I feel relieved for finally telling someone my story. Maybe it’ll help others like me.

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